A Guide To Surviving Your First eSports Tournament

DaveFu’s got 20 seconds to spawn, you’ve got a quarter mana. Uh… I enhancebuff Kosmonaut, stay on auto, and stall until you gank top. Perfect. And way to use gank without sounding like a gigantic dork.

I can’t wait ’til we get to Vegas. I’ve been practicing counting cards. I’m gonna check out one of those day spas. Sittin’ in mud, soakin…

I want to see TORUK – The First Flight. It’s based on Avatar. Cirque du Soleil. Guys, you do know the Las Vegas Invitational isn’t in vegas, right? God, we’ve been over this you guys.

When an email reads “Important Team Business Please Read,” then please read the important team business. [Squib] The tournament’s in Primm. Hellish place. Bad things happen there.

So, I like to schedule business every time I go, make it worthwhile to be in that butt hole. You know what I mean? Is Primm close to Vegas? Well… [ theme ♪ ] ♪ [Greg] Uh, OK.

So it’s not as glamorous Vegas, but we’re still playing in an arena, right? Hotel conference room B actually. It’s like an arena, but if we stay 15 minutes over, an elderly security guard stands at the door until we leave. Well, good afternoon. Welcome to Sleepy Pl– – [desk bell] – Good afternoon. Welcome to Sl– [desk bell] Squib.

Tommy. The. My team is late for match. I need you to get our luggage up to the rooms.

I’m sorry sir, but Sleepy Plus doesn’t doesn’t have that– – [desk bell] – I’mma stop you right there, Jorge. First things first, I’m a Diamond member, almost an NBA champion, and I own two, let’s count them, two used mattress outlets. You are a hotel clerk in the land of the forgotten. – Take my [bleep] to the room. – Yes sir. Here are your keys, and Sleepy Plus happily invites you to enjoy our complimentary crackers and box wine from 3 to 5.

– [Greg] I am definitely allergic– – [Becca] This is a dump. Oh, hello. OK. I have stuff to do. Um… girl, handle all things.

OK. Guys… first tournament with Greg. I think we’ve made a lot of progress, so let’s just stick to what we’ve been doing, OK? Team Sorcerer… – [Becca] Dammit Greg.

– [bleep] dweeb. It-It’s the thing where we… Waah! [Charna] Hi everyone. Thank you all for coming out to lovely and affordable Primm. Our first matchup is between Team Sorcerer… [clapping] – And Team Jinx– – [vacuum cleaner turns on] Hey!

Hey! Can you not right now? Thanks. OK, let’s just get this started. [mumbling] I need to get the [bleep] out of this town.

[gameplay voice]

3-2-1. The tale begins. [keyboard tapping] – OK, there’s a guy coming on the bottom– – Yeah-yeah, see him. – Dave, go. Nice.

– I love the bottom. – [Sauce] Did you see that? – Dave… [foreign language] [Becca] Sauce, go mid. Kosmo, go top.

[foreign language]

– [Becca] Greg, gank top. – Alright, here comes the ganker. Alright, gigantic dork is back. Push the base. Push the base. Push the base!

Come on guys, push the base! – [gameplay voice] Victory. – Yes!

How you like me now Karen? [Team Sorcerer celebrating] Great match you guys! That was awesome. OK, so next one’s in 2 hours, and no matter what… – Don’t. Be. Late.

– You said it Becks. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s BJ time. Blackjack.

– Where’s your casino? – Oh, well, Primm’s straddles the state borders, so actually only that small little area in the lobby is in Nevada – and legally designated for gambling. – As long as there’s 52 cards. – Good for you sir.

– [Greg] Excuse me, uh, where is there to eat around here? Oh, well we have a Gordo’s and that’s just one block down. Uh, that’s… Well, it’s like a dirtier, less nice Taco Bell. And then we have Corn Hung’s, and that’s an all-you-can-eat butter pie. It’s basically a pie tin, filled with butter. Yeah…

I would stick with the hotel seafood buffet though. Buffet sounds great. Yeah. Jack, you in? – Naw. I think I’m going to find that a day spa.

– Oh, we don’t have a spa sir. – I’ll figure it out. – Two hours tops. – Sergei? – Naw… [foreign language] Well, it’s just two of us… ♪ We can make it if we try ♪ [Becca] OK. Yeah. If anyone asks, I’m telling them you’re my stepdad.

– Like your hip young stepdad? – Mm, sure. [bleep] bring it. – Sorry. – Minimums two dollars.

Blackjack pays to 2 to 1. Don’t touch the merchandise. – How are ya? – I lost a pig today. OK. [softly] I’ll stand.

[Squib talking in distance] [Becca] Oh. OK, this looks horrible. Why is the shrimp black? – It says that it’s local caught lobster. – There’s no local lobster in Nevada. Well, the sign says it’s fresh off the mountain.

Can’t argue with the sign. – Ugh. – Ooh, hagfish ceviche. Ugh. Gross. Hey, if I’ve learned anything from my time in the corporate world, it’s you never pass up a comp’d meal, OK?

I think I saw some muffins in the vending machine. – So, gonna go. – OK. Woo-hoo, are are you all mine? ♪ People say to me, “Tommy,” I say, “Yeah,” “What is greatness?”

And to that I say, what is a butterfly? What is a raindrop? Trying to figure out what makes Tommy Squib, Tommy Squib is like trying to figure out what the sun is made of.

You can’t do it. You can’t [bleep] do it. Mmm. – My God that cannot be sanitary. – I don’t know. The boiled fish hash isn’t half bad.

You should try it. – Ew, no. – [George] Ladies and gentlemen, uh, I’m sorry, but um… well, we’ve received a very serious phone call – from the Nevada Health Commission. – Oh my God, I told you. You’re gonna get sick. You’re getting wrecked, and I told you so.

There are traces of a dangerous bacteria in the Lucky Devil brand, gluten free muffins that we have in the lobby vending machines. – Huh? – Now please, continue to enjoy the mountain lobster and the sewer clams. Again, this is only for those who have eaten the muffins who… well are in danger of getting debilitating diarrhea. Also, I am sorry that I just mentioned diarrhea while you’re eating.

Enjoy! Eww! ♪ [Marcia] And that is yet another bust for the fellow in the aqua sweatshirt. What the [bleep]? [softly] 1-2… [clears throat] Sir, we’re gonna have to ask you to leave the table.

Oh [bleep]. You saw me counting cards? Uh, no sir.

We are asking you to leave, because, well, you’re losing too much money. – What? – Wait a minute, you were counting cards?

– Oh, you are terrible at that. – What? No– What?

– Don’t you want me to lose money? – Oh no, those are Vegas values, not Primm values, OK? No-no, we care about our guests, so this is for your own protection. Boys.

Ow-owww! Ah! You gotta undo these. I’m in an eSports tournament! Hey! [chuckles] I have fallen for that before.

Not again my friend. [DaveFu grunting] [Squib] So, I’m talking to Mark Cuban, right, and I say, “Cubes, this is not the first time I’ve seen a dead body. You know what I’m saying?” – [watch beeps] – Oh [bleep]. I gotta go my team is playing in 15 minutes. I got a player on the team look just like you, Ivan Drago.

♪ Here you go. Don’t do drugs. Don’t do drugs.

Don’t do drugs. [Becca from behind the door] Oh, I wanna to die! Oh my God, I wanna to die! – You OK in there? – [bleep] you Greg! – Mmkay.

– [bleep] you! [bleep] your parents. [bleep] everybody.

Uh, Becca we gotta go. The next match is about to start. There’s not even a toilet in there. It’s just a bucket with a sheet around it. – Are you sure you’re OK? – Yeah, we can’t miss the match.

Was it more puking or poopin’? ♪ [Charna] For the last time, is Sorcerer here? We gotta be outta here by 8. We gotta Quinceañera coming in.

One more minute and Sorcerer will forfeit the match. – [Greg] We’re here. – [Becca] Ugh, I’m dying.

– I’m dying. – She’s got di. [Becca] Oh my God. [dismal clapping] – [Charna] Is she going to [bleep] be OK? – Yes, she’s fine, she’s fine. My organs are liquified.

Sorry, got a manicure at this Korean nail salon just a quarter mile down the highway. – Just as good as a spa. – I’m sorry, late. – What?

Dave? – It’s fine. It’s just handcuffs. Let’s just do this.

♪ [gameplay voice] 3-2-1. The tale begins! – [softly] Sauce go. – I can’t push the keys. – How do I mess up my nice nails?

– Someone tell me what I’m doing. ♪ Yes, made it. What the [bleep]? ♪ [deep sigh] Looks like this one’s up to old Greg.

Gotta carry this team on my back. Let’s do this. Wow, I did not expect to be least valuable player of that match.

That was uh… Really uh… I really screwed the pooch there. [chuckles] I mean, that was uh… That was truly bad, and I– I am– I am sorry. Not Greg’s best day. Not one to– – [Becca retches] – Open a window! Open a window!

Man, don’t puke in my truck.